DEATH!!!
NO......I DON'T HAVE A DEATH WISH OR DRESS IN BLACK!!!
05-15-09
DEATH HAS BEEN ON MY MIND A LOT EVER SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT MY PARENTS WOULD DIE SOME DAY. I VIVIDLY RECALL LAYING IN BED THINKING HOW HORRIBLE IT WOULD BE IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THEM. PART OF THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A TYPICAL KID WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME IF THEY WERE SUDDENLY GONE. THE DOWNSIDE OF ALL THAT DWELLING ON DEATH IS ME SPENDING MY LIFE PREPARING FOR THEIR DEMISE. WITHOUT REALIZING I WAS DOING IT I DISTANCED MYSELF SLOWLY FROM THEM THINKING THAT WHEN MR. DEATH DID FINALLY SHOW UP IT WOULDN'T HURT SO MUCH BUT ALL I DID WAS TO CHEAT MYSELF OF THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS THAT MEMORIES ARE CREATED FROM. MY MOM PASSED AWAY IN 2004 FROM PARKINSON'S DISEASE AND WE LOST HER A PIECE AT A TIME. I USED THE LONG TERM OF THAT DISEASE TO EXPLAIN MY LACK OF EMOTION WHEN THE END CAME. I WATCHED HER GASPING FOR EVERY BREATH WONDERING IF THE WOMAN THAT WAS SO NURTURING TO ME WAS STILL IN THERE SOME PLACE. WHEN SHE DID TAKE HER LAST BREATH ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS OPENED THE WINDOW SO HER SOUL COULD FREE IT'S SELF, A NICE TOUCH. DURING THAT LAST WEEK MY DAD TALKED SOME ABOUT THE PEOPLE HE HAD SEEN DIE AND HOW THEY USUALLY LOOK AND GASP FOR AIR THE SAME WAY. MY MOM AND DAD HAD BEEN DIVORCED FOR A FEW YEARS BUT LIKE THE WONDERFUL MAN HE WAS HE RODE IT OUT WITH US.

I WONDER AT WHAT POINT WE REALIZE THAT DEATH STALKS US ALL. IT MUST BE A REAL YOUNG AGE, MAYBE WHEN A GRANDPARENT PASSES OR WITH THE TV GENERATION SEEING ACTORS DIE. I DON'T RECALL EVER ASKING MY PARENTS ABOUT IT BUT AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER I KNEW IT STALKED ME. IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE SORT OF HAVE A SENSE OF IMMORTALITY FOR MOST OF THEIR LIVES, I KNOW I DID AND I AM SURE MOST EVERYONE ELSE DID AND DOES ALSO OR THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF MOPING FACES IN EVERY CROWD. LIKE THE POINT WHEN A CHILD LEARNS ABOUT DEATH I WONDER WHEN THAT SENSE OF IMMORTALITY CEASES TO EXIST IN ONES OWN MIND.

IN 2007 MY FATHER DIED AFTER COMPLICATIONS FROM A CAR WRECK. WHAT A CHARACTER, HE LIVED TO THE AGE OF 93 AND COULD STILL CUT WOOD, HIKE AND DO THE THINGS HE WANTED. HE ALWAYS SAID THAT WHEN YOU SIT DOWN THAT LAST TIME AND ARE HAPPY TO SPEND THE DAYS ROCKING THAT YOU WILL DIE. MAYBE HE FIGURED OUT HOW TO KEEP DEATH AT BAY BY STAYING ACTIVE. MY OLDEST SON AND I DROVE TWO OF MY MOTORCYCLES DOWN TO VISIT HIM TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT AND I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THAT. MY SON GOT TO SPEND SOME REAL QUALITY TIME TALKING ABOUT HIS JOB AND SOME OF THE IMPORTANT PROJECTS HE HAS WORKED ON. THE WHOLE TIME MY DAD WOULD OCCASIONALLY LOOK AT ME WITH A LITTLE SMILE WHEN HE SAW THE PRIDE ON MY FACE AT MY KIDS ACCOMPLISHMENTS. WE WERE JUST THREE GENERATIONS OF WINEGAR MEN PASSING THE DAY TALKING ABOUT STUFF. AS WE PASSED BY HIM STANDING BY THE DRIVE HE SHOOK OUR HANDS AND MADE REAL EYE CONTACT AND WE BOTH SAID I LOVE YOU WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT MOMENT.

MY OLDEST SON SAYS HE IS THE MAN THAT HE IS BECAUSE OF ME AND I AM HUMBLED BY THAT. I BELIEVE THAT HE IS THE MAN HE IS BECAUSE OF THE THINGS MY DAD INSTILLED IN ME AND WERE PASSED ALONG TO HIM. I AM NOT HALF THE MAN MY DAD WAS AND MY SON IS A MUCH BETTER PERSON AND FATHER THAN I EVER WAS. I MADE A MESS OF THINGS FOR MY KIDS WITH FOUR MARRIAGES AND AS MANY DIVORCES. I SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED FOUR BROKEN HOMES AND STOLE FROM MY KIDS ANY POSSIBILITY OF THE NORMAL CHILDHOOD I HAD. I AM NOT AN EVIL OR MEAN GUY OR ABUSIVE BUT I AM A LONER THAT HAS A HARD TIME GIVING MY HEART TO A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WITHOUT RESENTING IT. ONCE DONE I HAVE ALWAYS DRIFTED INTO MY VERY SECURE SHELL UNTIL MY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS HAD ENOUGH. I HAVE KNOWN SOME REALLY GOOD WOMEN AND HAVE LEARNED FROM EACH OF THEM AND HOLD NO MALICE TOWARDS ANY OF THEM EVEN IF THEY HAD TO LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR AFFECTION DURING THE MARRIAGE.

I AM GETTING AWAY FROM THE MEAT OF THIS COMMENTARY ABOUT DEATH SO BACK ON TOPIC. I HAVE REALLY NEVER SPENT MUCH TIME DISCUSSING DEATH WITH ANYONE AND MAYBE IT IS A TOPIC THAT MOST WOULDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT. I HAVE ALWAYS USED THE THOUGHT OF SUICIDE AS A SORT OF LITMUS TEST ON HOW BAD I AM FEELING AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. HERE IS HOW IT USUALLY GOES........ CRISIS OCCURS, I HAVE TROUBLE DEALING WITH IT, IS IT WORTH KILLING MYSELF OVER, AND 'SO FAR' NO IT ISN'T, IS MY RESPONSE. IT PROBABLY SOUNDS LIKE I AM A NUT BUT THOSE THAT DO KNOW ME WOULD NEVER GUESS I HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS. ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO I REKINDLED THE RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP WITH A GUY I GREW UP WITH FROM BIRTH. HE WAS IN A PRETTY BAD WAY HAVING DAMAGED HIS BACK TO THE POINT THAT WALKING REQUIRES A WALKER. I DRIVE TO HIS HOUSE AS OFTEN AS I CAN AND WE HAVE SOME PRETTY RAW DISCUSSIONS ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH. LIKE ME HE OCCASIONALLY ENTERTAINS THE THOUGHT OF SUICIDE AND I THINK SHARING THAT WITH EACH OTHER HAS FORMED A SPECIAL BOND. I AM TWO YEARS OLDER THAN JIM AND GROWING UP HE ALWAYS LOOKED UP TO ME AS A SORT OF BIG BROTHER AND ODDLY THAT RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDURED. HE IS ON DISABILITY AND I AM RETIRED AND WE BOTH VALUE THE INTERACTION. GETTING BACK IN TOUCH WITH HIM AND MY FIRST TRUE LOVE, WYNN,  HAS DONE SOME GOOD FOR ME. THEY ARE BOTH FROM A PERIOD IN MY LIFE BEFORE I BECAME A HUMAN TORNADO AND SET ABOUT HURTING PEOPLE.

I WANDERED AGAIN SO I WILL CLOSE OUT THIS DEATH COMMENTARY BY SAYING WE GROW UP AND LIVE OUR LIVES KNOWING DEATH IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND WILL GET US ALL, YET WHEN IT DOES STRIKE, THE GRIEF AND FLOW OF EMOTION ALMOST SEEMS AMAZING. I GUESS THE ANSWER IS THAT NO ONE CAN TRULY PREPARE FOR THEIR OWN  DEATH OR THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE.

.................MY MEDS ARE KICKING IN AND THERE IS A STORM BREWING JUST TO THE NORTH AND I HAVE AN ITCH THAT ONLY A RIDE ON ONE OF MY OLD HONDA MOTORCYCLES CAN CURE SO I AM SIGNING OFF. DAMNED THE LIGHTNING, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

05-19-09

I WANT TO CORRECT ONE OF THE STATEMENTS ABOVE TO READ. "......THE INCREDIBLE GRIEF AND FLOW OF EMOTION ALMOST SEEMS AMAZING."